I am going to give a very unsatisfying answer to this question, but unfortunately it is the true answer. Here is what you do.

The general principle is that any behavior that your child can control, he can be held accountable for. Any behavior that your child cannot control because of ADHD, Asperger’s, Bipolar Disorder, or just age, he cannot or should not be held responsible for.

That is really the answer. The problem is: how do you tell?

There are some behaviors that your child will not be able to control because of his condition, ADHD for example. He will be hyperactive, out of control, compulsive, and he will not be able to control it.

Sometimes he will be impulsive and out of control because he wants to be that way even though he can control it. Unfortunately, you are the only one who will be able tell the difference. Maybe you can or you cannot be sure but you are really the best judge of that.

The bottom line is that you have to try to get to know your child. Try as best as you can. You have to decide which behaviors your child can control and which behaviors your child cannot control.

Here’s an example:

At one point we thought my oldest son, who is now an older teenager, had bipolar disorder. He acted bipolar. He went wild like a bipolar. He was depressed like a bipolar. But I knew him and I knew he had complete control of what he was doing.

I held him accountable for those behaviors and as it turned out he does not have bipolar disorder at all now. It disappeared because he was held accountable for his behavior.

That is what you have to do. It is hard because it is not always clear and you will not always be right. But, that is your goal. Your goal in parenting is to know and understand the child behavior as best as possible, and do the best job you possibly can.

That means holding him accountable for behaviors that he can control and understanding things that are beyond his control.

Perhaps, this is not a very satisfying answer, not a clear-cut answer, but it is the correct answer.